Robert Haley - Guitar

   I will tell you of Robert Haley, the dwarven giant. Many thought him heaven sent when he fell from the sky. I was there and I saw and can tell ye the truth of it. Two crows were flying backwards and when they bumped arses, the cloud of feathers resulted in Robert. Some would tell ye there are no accidents but those crows looked pretty surprised to me.

In his childhood he would watch and listen as his dad played his guitar and decided he would play as well.

"Excuse me, but how could he have a dad if he was the product of an aerial, aviary collision?"

Do you want to tell the story?

"No. But there are certain fundamentals of logic that should be followed for a listener to be able to believe a story without being a total fool. Now if Robert fell from the sky after a butt-to-butt collision by two crows flying backwards, which is hard enough to believe I might add, then where did his dad come from? I mean was his dad the result of yet another fowl accident? Did two turkeys run into each other hind-end first and then poof! Robert had a dad?"

No, that was his brother if ye must know! Now, may I finish the tale?

"Well, yes but now you say there is a brother. . ."


Might anyone else have any questions that just can't wait for the end of the tale? No? I thought not. Where was I. . . .

Ah yes! So Robert sees his dad playing his guitar and decides that is what he wants to do as well. His parents give him his first guitar when he was about 5 years old. However, when Robert strummed that thing, a sound worse than any yowl in the Alley Cat Tournament fighting circuit emerged and made young Roberts ears bleed in pain. Thus adequately horrified, Robert the smaller put it down only to play again on the rare occasions his courage is equal to the task.

Eventually he grows taller, stronger and more brave. At 17 years of age he begins to tame the 6 string electrical guitar beast. For years the battle raged. All of a sudden from the north came the chaos horde, a vast number of savages barely able to hold a guitar the right way, let alone play it. They flooded the airways, markets and arenas. The yowling cat sound was now the accepted and sought after sound. So Robert put down the guitar and picked up a sword. He joined the Midrealm army under the name de jour of Magnus. Serving in 15 yearly crusades against the Tiger of the East.

Robert has now returned, sword at his side and guitar in his hand. Trained on the battlefield and practiced in the basement, he is ready to take the stage with Von Isley.